10 Things...:The elaboration.

1. Don't second guess your gifts, skills and talents.

I'm not one to boast about my gifts and talents because I have never really regarded myself as someone who has any. This is not false humility or self deprecation. I truly can't think of any tangible gifts or talents I have to offer anyone or this world. Now before anyone "poo poos" me and goes on and one about how "everyone has gifts and talents," I think it's necessary to define terms.


"A gift is a special ability or capacity; natural endowment; talent" according to dictionary.com. Now let's define "special." According to the same reference, "special" is "distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual." I know we live in a society where everyone is regarded as "special," but the honest truth is that most of us are pretty ordinary. Sure there are some of us "ordinaries" with unique characteristics, but I don't believe that many should be regarded as "special" according to the denotative meaning.


All that in mind, I don't have any gifts (ha!) There is nothing I do that can't be done by someone else or hasn't already been done by someone else. Any "success" I have can be attributed to skills I've learned along the way. That said, I'd tell 19 year old Gloria to learn as many skills as possible. I'd tell her to hone those skills, seek out mentors and positive influences to nourish those skills. I'd tell her not to second guess the importance of those skills and not to be afraid to use those skills when opportunities to exercise those skills presented themselves.

I can remember two times in particular where second guessing myself led me to miss opportunities in my late teens and early twenties. If I could go back, I'd pass myself a note that read, "Go for it."

To be continued....

10 Things I wish I'd know 10 years ago...

I'm fighting going to bed for some reason. Boredom led me to troll the internet for old hair "idols." Shawnta immediately came to mind. I went to Youtube to see what's she's been up to in the last year or so. I chose this video. She only got around to actually mentioning 6 things but I still appreciated her candor. While listening, I felt compelled to blog on this topic, more for myself than anyone else.

I'll be 30 years old in less than one month. Thirty. 3-0. Ten years from 40. I know people who throw huge, celebratory parties, making much adieu about leaving their twenties behind. I'm not one of those people.Truthfully, I don't know where my twenties went and I actually spend quite of bit of time thinking about what I'd do differently if given a chance. Actually, I've always thought about what I'd do differently, even from my early twenties, only I thought about how I'd change my teenage years.

Is it really possible to have a quarter life crisis for 6-7 years? LOL... Seriously, though, I know I'm not supposed to say I dread turning thirty or that I mourn lost time and perceived missed opportunities. I know the right answers about God's sovereignty, my salvation and how all things were orchestrated leading me to this very moment. All the same, here are some things that 29 year old Glo would tell 19 year old Glo.

1. Don't second guess your gifts, skills and/or talents.
2. Nurture relationships.
3. Be you, beautiful.
4. Live at a 10.
5. It feels really important now, but it's not.
6. Move to DC after graduation, at least for a little while.
7. Throw away all your CDs.
8. Sometimes you have to start from scratch.
9. EXERCISE.
10. Go veg or vegan.

Ideally, I'll do a post on several of these topics in coming weeks.

So funny, as I typed that I have things 19 year old Glo would tell 29 year old Glo...may visit that topic one day.

Goodnight moon.

Facebook characters

I've been on Facebook since 2005. I've seen interesting characters emerge in this time. Below is a list of the most notable.

1. The Hated: These people are ALWAYS being hated on. I can never really understand why, but each day they post another rant about people hating on them and their life achievements. Whether it be their recent purchase of a '97 Pontiac Grand Am or finishing up their degree at Everest College, haters just don't want to see them living large.
2. The Random Capitalization Crew: The rules are capitalization are quite easy. Always use a capital letter when writing/typing proper nouns and the first word of sentences. The RCCs don't respect these rules and for this they must die (or be hidden). Nothing is quite as annoying as scrolling down my news feed only to see a status message tYpeD LiKe THis. Why do people do this? It's much more difficult to type this way. It's unnatural and hard on the eyes. 
3. The Three Namers: Okay. I don't use my real name on Facebook. Why? Well, because I already have my face in over 100 pictures. Call me crazy, but I think pairing my name and my face on the internet is asking for problems in the future. Many Facebook fans have chosen to use their real names and many women include their maiden and married names to avoid confusion and to assist others in finding them in searches. When I think of the "three namers" I think of people like: John Morethanjustanoption Smith, Tanisha QueenBee Hall, and Andre BigThangsPoppin Holloway. My message to them. Please stop.
4. The Wise Old Owls: These are the Facebook friends who put up like 10 cliched quotes a day about success. They have the answers to all of life's problems...and if they don't, they know a dead person who does. 
5. The Likers: They've never seen a page, group, photo album or status message they didn't disagree with. They people "like" about 50 things a day. They even like their own status message updates. They're a happy, simple people. Easy to please.
6. The Gamers: Ever looked to the left side of your home page and noticed that you have 74  game requests? Thank the gamers. Whether it's Farmville, Mafia Wars or Sorority Life, these Facebook friends live to play, especially during the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. So...don't be rude. Go help them on their farm, join their gang or become a member of their sorority...or...just do what I do and ignore most of the requests (unless it's Family Feud #judgeme)
7. The Theologians:  They read Spurgeon, Packer, Macarthur and Piper. They ponder the implications of Christ's atonement. They study the Protestant Reformation all day long. They are the theologians. Always ready with a relevant Bible verse, they fill your feed with nuggets notes and thoughts from their daily devotions. They also post hymn lyrics.... Actually beneficial most days.
8. The Models: You love them. You hate them. You know they have seahorses on their shower curtains due to all the bathroom mirror shots they've posted. You are familiar with their entire wardrobe. You know the interior of their car is gray leather. They fill your news feed with at least 5-10 mobile uploads a day. They've perfected the duck lips and they know they look best when photographed from the left side. #hateisawastedemotion
9. The Randoms: They rarely post new status messages and when they do, it's always something random like: "I'm hungry" or "Just saw a squirrel on a trashcan eating a lifesaver" or "Ligers>Tigons". 
10. The News Reporters: They give you the latest on topics ranging from sports to politics. Love them or hate them, you wouldn't know half of what you know without them. You don't need a newspaper if you have at least 5 reporters on your friends list.

That's all I've got, but I'm sure more exist.

"....that you may KNOW..."

My pastor is currently doing sermons on a range of requested topics until we get into our next book study (2 Timothy?). The last two were especially invigorating to me due to my current spiritual state/challenges. The topics were "Assurance" and "Christian Liberty"


I don't have my notes on me, but I'd like to suggest 1 John for anyone struggling with assurance. He gave us five points from the text so that we who "... believe in the name of the Son of God...may know" (1Jn 5:13) we have eternal life. He warned us not to look at these points as things to do to earn eternal life, but rather to see if these things were present in our lives. Four of the points were as follows, if I'm remembering correctly.

1. Growing intolerance/enmity for the world (not the physical earth, but rather all cultural/societal world views that defy and/or seek to replace God and the law of God). 1 Jn. 2:15 and following
2. Growing aversion to sin. 1 Jn. 3:1-10
3. Love of the brethren/fellow brothers and sisters in the faith (not just in word but in deed). 1 Jn. 3:11 and following
4. Desire to glorify God through practice of avoid sin/keeping commandments. 1 Jn. 5:1-5

I'm sure the last one must be faith in the person and work of the biblical Christ (outlined in 1 Jn. 2:18-25, 5:6-12), but I'm unsure.

So then, if we see this fruit in our lives, we can have some assurance that we've been born again. If we do not see this fruit we can still, as long as we have breath in our lungs, throw ourselves at the mercy of God (if we've actually realized our need for Christ's sacrifice, his holiness and our utter sinfulness). Funny how even in challenging us to examine ourselves, God still offers us mercy and grace through Christ. That's good news.

I really did love how he stressed that DOING these things doesn't earn salvation. Still figuring things out, learning things and seeking to understand God's grace. 

Anyway this was written in haste, so please excuse any typos...

God be with you.

All the time we've got is all the time we've got...

I attended a funeral yesterday. I wrote the following as I waited for the ceremony to begin.

Smiling faces. At a funeral. Someone took her last breath a week ago and people are smiling. Heads are turning. Seeing who's in attendance, checking out clothing and hair. Sizing each other up. A reunion of sorts for some. Wooden chairs in a rundown high school auditorium. Voices from the intercom make announcements for the living. It's not somber enough. Quiet enough. Respectful enough. I want to cry. She wasn't my best friend. She wasn't a friend at all. A mere associate, turned acquaintance, turned stranger. Haven't even seen her in 5 or 6 years. Can't say my eyes burned with tears when I heard about it. Feeling was one more of shock. Speculated about attending. Wanted to give those closest to her privacy. But here I sit in a hard wooden chair next to a three year singing "Happy Birthday" to himself with the buzzy murmuring of 50 conversations about season finale's, the songs on the radio and some woman who braids hair. No mourning. No tears. Just jaws chewing gum. Giggling and murmuring. I want to cry for her. I feel a rush of emotion surging through me. I feel the familiar sensation of warmth blurring my vision as I write. I want to stand up and shush everyone. Someone chuckles about another's absence. "She told me she was coming," says one. "She lie," the other responds. More chuckling. More mundane talk from the living. No brevity allowed. Just gum smacking and silly talk. It's hitting me. I wondering how closely this gathering mirrors my eventual funeral. I'm sick. Just cremate me.

Nothing like a funeral to make you ponder death and all it's implications. They brought the body in about 30 minutes after my arrival. The entire tone changed as we rose watched the pall bearers carry her in encased in a shiny white casket with a colorful bouquet securely fixed on top. I was glad.

I pictured her face, usually smiling, now flat and humorless, laying in the dark box and came close to tears again. Her family immediately after. I pictured myself at the funeral of my best friend/husband and the room blurred. I saw myself crying in the front row, fainting, vomiting in despair in shock.

There was singing, tears and even laughter are people gave remarks on how she touched their lives. It still didn't seem real to me and still doesn't seem real to me. I sat there wondering at times why I couldn't cry specifically about her death. She was a nice girl. A good girl. A beautiful girl. A young girl. Perhaps it's because I feel it's possible that she's with Christ. Perhaps it's because I didn't think I had the right to cry for her--like only those who loved her best should weep. I have no idea. I can be a leaky bucket of tears. Then it dawned on me that I hardly cry when one should cry. I didn't cry when my great grandmother's brother died, or when my grandmother's sister died, or when an older cousin died. But I've cried reading stories of abused children, or at the sight of stray dogs and even this morning when my husband informed me that he'd be away until about 10 p.m. or 11 p.m. today. I find it strange. I guess I could analyze it, but frankly it's too early to be that introspective.

Work prevented me from staying to hear the eulogy, but I'm glad I attended. It's the first funeral I ever attended alone and maybe only the fifth I've ever attended in my life. I'm glad I was reminded of her life and her energy. "All the time you've got, is all the time you've got...and in time, all your time will stop."

Insomniac ramble

1. 2+2=5
2. A video of  Waka Flocka Flame is in heavy rotation on many blogs and Facebook newsfeeds due to his less than intelligent answers to questions regarding education and voting. I want to laugh but it's not funny. I watched the video and felt bad for him...and for the YBY.  I don't mean this in a condescending way either. I REALLY feel bad for him that people are calling this dude an idiot and pretty much using him as a means to feel better about themselves. It appears that Terrance knew he was going into unknown territory with Mr. Flocka, as did Rocsi, which explains why she threw her head back in laughter when the interview turned "serious." Click here if you like watching train wrecks.
3. Recently discovered that Bible Gateway allows you to type in a passage to be read aloud in almost every translation. I may be late, but it's super cool. Check it out.
4. Warren is running his first 5K tomorrow. I should jack him up for doing one of my 101 Things (remember that? I'm still working on it! Ha!)
5. A "scaled down" version of my 10 year high school reunion is still on. #ohletsdoit
6. To Die is Gain is still probably one of the best rap albums I've ever heard. Stephen the Levite's flow is kinda ridiculous.
7. Speaking of CHH, I haven't bought a new album in a minute. Heard the single from Trip's album and pretty much passed it up. Think the same is going to happen with Lecrae's new joint. We do have Sho's second album. It was cool for the most part. Heard about A Yellow Man the other day. They have me excited again. I definitely want to branch out once I get other things settled.
8. Been listening to Line of Fire lately to give myself a break from Fighting For the Faith. FFTF is an apologetics show at it's core, and sometimes it can be a bit much. Might be time to retire all these radio shows and hit up Sermon Audio and TPC Sermons. 
9. Lies My Pastor Told Me. No, I'm not talking about my pastor. I'm talking about an eBook available for download that addresses 15 of the most popular church cliches of the day. Read it if you dare. Totally free.
10. Found out a woman I went to college with died yesterday at a dialysis appointment. It's still kinda surreal. We weren't close by any means, but we did work together for a couple of summers...even stepped together for 2 years during our freshmen and sophomore years. Never know when your time is up. "Oh Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am. Behold, you have made my days a few headbreaths and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath...." RIP Frances.
11. Why am I still awake?

One Hundred Thousand Trillion

1. Had the opportunity to catch the tail end of a coaches clinic at my alma mater thanks to hubby. Watched some cool plays and got the basketball season itch. Excited.
2. Spoke to a former caller on the phone today. Says she hates her new job. Put in her resignation today. Life after college is hard. lol...
3. Need some eyeglasses! Sooooo badly. Was supposed to go price frames today but those plans fell by the wayside. Grrrr.
4. Saw The Expendables today. Glad was caught it for matinee prices. More explosions than a little bit. C- at best.
5. Someone please come twist my hair! My locs days are numbered. I want my fro back. lol...*sigh*
6. Had a great few days of training this past week. New kids look good. Only time will tell.
7. So...Willow Smith has a song out. Jay-Z has signed her. What talent did this nine year old display that caught his attention, you ask? Say the following aloud in a high pitched voice: "I whip my hair back and forth." Now repeat that phrase for three minutes and 16 seconds with a few other adlibs and "haterisms". Add auto-tune and a really hot beat. Rinse, Repeat. Or...just click this link.
8. I really want a Pop Tart right now.
9. Facebook is a friend to the vain and an enemy to the covetous.
10. I think I need to take a break from the following: FightingForTheFaith, Facebook, Youtube and all messageboards. Yes...I think I will.
11. I've fallen off the "working out" bandwagon, but plan on getting back into the routine on Monday.
12. There are people in this world who will suck the life out of you if you let them. Run away.
13. All the cool kids hang out on tumblr. Don't believe me? Go over there! Thing is, I don't GET tumblr. LOL. I created an account and could never figure out how to use it...
14. Speaking of tumblr...their taglines is "....the easiest way to share yourself." Thinking about this brings to mind the concept of internet identity. I was browing tumblr the other day in amazement. I mean...is anyone really that cool or interesting...or mysterious. I really asked myself this. For example, I stumbled upon the tumbleblog of this chic named "Kesh." Follow the link if you're interested (be careful as she likes to pose nude), but I found myself wondering what this chick does during the day. Does she have a job? Who are her parents? What is her family background? Did she go to college? Why is she taking these pictures? Why are they so intriguing? So weird? So vulgar? I mean...who is this broad? LOL...How does someone become her? Like, what has to happen in your brain to produce the ideas behind her photography and personal style? I wondered the same as I browsed Facebook today. Saw some pictures that a FB friend was tagged in. She was an this SUPER ELABORATE bridal shower....as I looked at the detail, the clothing of the guests, the cakes, the gifts, I wondered to myself..."who are these people?" I can't quite explain it...the internet, art, photography have a way of altering reality, making life seem less ordinary and making people seem more interesting...it's really cool and kinda sad in a way. #Justthoughts
15. My dogs need food. Off to WalMart. *poof*

So...about that...

So...about that class reunion in October that I was pumped about.

 I received an e-mail today informing me that it's been canceled due to "low participation."

The brief convo to the left happened after I mentioned the cancellation in my status message.  Boooo I say...BOOOOOO!

My main question is why someone who told me directly that she didn't want to attend because of "wahh wahhh wahhhhh" is asking why it's cancelled...Puzzles me. There are some who really CAN'T come. I don't know what to make of those who live within an hour (or worse yet, in Hinesville) and plan on staying home.

I don't have much else to say about this aside from the fact that I hope those of us who wanted to go will still come together for a small but very spirited gathering...

There's actually a guy who's booked his flight from California to attend yet it was those who are a stone's throw away who pretty much broke up the party. They are lame. I hope they read this...

#thatisall

Note to self (and whoever's reading this)

I'm an avid blog reader. Blog topics ranging from saving money, to being a SAHM, to fashion and makeup fill my Blogger.com RSS feed equivalent ("Following"). I love reading about the lives of others, the views of others and the interests of others. I guess I'm naturally inquisitive. I get to journey other states and meet seemingly exciting, creative, humble, orderly people with the click of a button. Some days I chuckle, some days I'm in awe, other days I'm inspired to try new things or to approach life from a different perspective. The internet is truly a wonderful place, when used properly and in moderation.

In my first or second post, I divulged my relationship with blogs. I love them and then I leave them for a number of reasons. It's been easy to do because all of my blogs have served a particular and specific purpose in my life at the time they were written. My life immediately after undergrad was documented. My life as a young, single Christian in my first "real" job was documented. I documented loves and losses and all the foibles in between. Blogging, to me, is free therapy. Sometimes I visit my old blogs and I'm amazed at the person I find. Sometimes she's bitter. Sometimes she's thoughtful. Sometimes she's creative. Sometimes she's down right snarky. Other times she's one of the most focused and impressive women I've ever encountered.

Looking back at this blog, I see a change of tone that is both refreshing and depressing. The woman here has struggled with her role as a wife and eventual mother. The woman here doesn't know what she wants to be, or where she wants to go. The woman here is sometimes funny, mostly transparent and  trying to spiritually navigate her way through this life, for better and for worse. She's not perfect. She doesn't pretend to be.

Many of my blog posts will not be rainbows and butterflies. I don't want to create a different "internet" Glo that is more satisfying to the common palette (mine included). I need to be who I am. I need to see myself, flaws and all, so I can confront them and hopefully address them by his spirit.

Unsolicited advice

A past situation suddenly invaded my brain a few days ago.

I worked at Express for about 9 months several years ago. One night, near closing, two women walked into the store to take a peek at some of the newest addition to our fall line. I was standing next to the counter and one of the women approached me.

I assumed she was going to ask me about an article of clothing or a fitting room. She had something else in mind.

"Have you ever heard of Accutane?"
"Umm...yes."
"Oh okay, well I tried it and...*pauses* You may not believe this but my skin was worse than yours!"
*blank stare*
"What do you use right now?"
*babbling out my skin care regimine while trying to process the situation*
"Well, I mean, you should really consider asking a dermatologist about it."
*comments about the crazy side effects*
"I had the chapped lips and, of course I had to stay out of the sun, but...it's worth it!"

*Dazed and Confused*

I remember driving home to my apartment, utterly disgusted that this broad approached me about something so personal. I switched out my ailment/physical flaw for others to determine if I was overreacting.

*Glo approaching an overweight woman*
"Hi. Have you tried Jenny Craig? You probably won't believe me but, I was as fat as you were about a year ago."

Definitely rude..

How about....

*Glo approaching a person with traction alopecia*
"Hi. Have you ever heard of Dr. Miracle's Temple and Nape Gro Balm? It really works! Just last year, my edges looked as bad as yours. Now look!"

No...still...not...right...

One more shot....

*Glo sees someone with dingy teeth*
"Hi! *toothy smile* Have you ever tried Rembrant Intense Stain Toothpaste? It's really great. My teeth were as yellow as yours just last year, but check me out today!"

I'm sure her heart was in the right place. She found something that worked for her and she wanted to preach the Accutane gospel to all the lost and deprived, but my word!

I told my mother the story and begged her to pay for my visit to the dermatologist (no health insurance). Ever simultaneously love and hate someone? Yeah...I have...that woman. LOL...

Eh...don't know why I shared this. Perhaps it's my effort prolong the eventual abandonment of this blog. I will say that to this day I try not to offer unsolicited advice. Guess I should be thanking that woman for teaching me a life lesson on how to talk to people and consider the feelings of others...#heffa

Long overdue ramble

I'm going to do a post about my current thoughts, struggles and observations about the faith, but until I have internet at home (August 4), ramble!

1. Finally moved and settled in. Still doesn't feel real, but I'm glad it's over. Dave Ramsey would be proud.
2. Let's see how long we can ignore each other, shall we?
3. Don't sweat the small stuff? Tell them that...
4. Going to a wedding in a few weeks. Booked the hotel today! Owwww!
5. GSU v SSU! Is it September 4th yet?
6. Speaking of sports--I've become an ESPN Radio junkie. Who woulda thunk it?
7. It's hot down here. It's SOOOO hot. It's heat that angers you. Like 85 degrees after the sun goes down. GRRRRR.
8. The Goos and I played racquetball twice this week. My RAC fee at work.
9. Risk. It's the difference between the Haves and the Havenots...well...that and money. Think it's time for me to take a few.
10. I went to the SCAD page and got slightly depressed, overwhelmed, intimidated. Sometimes I want a do-over...LOVED my college experience, LOVE my Eagles, but yeah...just sayin'
11. Salt was a C. Inception was an A.
12. Finally finished reading Strange Fruit and a few critical essays/articles on Richard Wright's Black Boy. Strange Fruit is a fantastic read! Run to your local library and work it out!
13. Speaking of Strange Fruit, here's Billie Holiday singing Strange Fruit.
14. Saw an old classmate today at Wal-Mart. G mentioned something about our 10 year reunion. She commented quickly about not going...He wanted to know why. I interrupted him and said, "She just doesn't want to go." Later for the whiny stories about what people did to you when we were all kids...stay home then. BUT more on this later. Can't front like I'm not a little iffy myself...maybe for other reasons, but iffy nonetheless.
15. It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to...
16. *poof*

Newness

We're blowing this Popsicle stand in less than 72 hours. Most of the large furniture is in storage. The worst part  cleaning is in the works for tomorrow. I'm a semi-happy camper. 

We're at the stage when things pop up. The extra books in the closet, when the "books" boxes are already taped and stored a mile away in a 10 x 12 unit. An extra hanger here, a wedding card there, a bank statement over there. GRRRR. I'm almost certain I've learned my lesson on not throwing things away and putting things in their place. The next 6 months will be used to discipline myself to be a neater person. 

I will say that Dave Ramsey would be pleased with our decision to move into a smaller, less expensive place. He'd probably scream at us if he knew we were only moving so we could continue our home search. He'd lecture us on how we should pay off ALL debt and stack bread. We may do just that if we save enough money. We're even thinking of living on one paycheck and banking the other for a few months (just to see if we can do it). I'm sure we'll break though.

In other news, the Goos is officially "Coach G!" He's teaching English and coaching basketball at a school in a neighboring county. So proud of him!

There is newness in the air. Much needed change.

Doobie, doobie, doooooo

1. The countdown is on. We're moving in a little over a month. We've got tons of packing to do.
2. I've been on Realtor and Weichert like crazy, trying to figure out if we should buy or rent...still moving.
3. Gave Monica some practice on my hair. She did a good job. I haven't had another person's hands in my hair since 2006. Relaxing!
4. Speaking of Monica, she was a raw foodie for 6 months. Said she would think about revisiting it in 3 months if I want to try it. *pondering*
5. Chuckling over people who were born in raised in Southeast GA putting places in the midwest or north as their "hometowns." How does this work? You were born here, attended elementary, middle and high school here...then you went to college an hour away...BUT you are from (insert a different place)? C'mon son.
6. Can't decide which camcorder to buy...
7. I'm going to order Valana Minerals as soon as I hit the post button. We'll see how it works out. I want to "liberate my face!"
8. People come and people go and then they come back again...'tis life...I'm cool with it.
9. I'm actually getting nervous/anxious about going to this reunion thing. Almost to the point of not going. I need to grow up. I know.
10. J. Nicole is supposed to be coming down on June 18. I'll believe it when I see it....yes, JB...I'm talking to you.
11. *yawn*

For my mother

She came to the bus stop wearing a PT uniform. Her eyes were puffy. She'd very obviously been crying. My face and chest grew warm from embarrassment as I looked around at the other kids. I heard the loud engine of the bus and noticed it was just up the road.

"Are you hungry?" She asked.
"I ate breakfast already."
"I took back my deodorant so I could buy you this."

Embarrassment turned to anger. Why was she doing this? I snatched the Burger King bag and stabbed dangers at her through narrowed eyes. I watched her drive away through the back of a dirty bus window and ate tried to eat the sausage biscuit. I had gotten cold. Between the lump in my throat and the dryness of the hardened biscuit, it was hard to swallow. I was 14.

I'd moved in with my mother two years prior. She was fresh from a tour in Germany and I was fresh from nine years of living her sister's family. We were two people, practically strangers living in a house together, trying to make it work. She was a woman taking on full time motherhood, a pursuit she'd only tackled for the first 3 years of my life. I was a child taking on full time daughterhood. Something I'd never had to consciously try.

I didn't know much about her. She was a mystery to me. This isn't because she never called or wrote. She'd send me gifts and money. My heart would jump at the thought of speaking with her on the phone. My visit to Germany to see her and my father for my tenth birthday, is to this day, one of the best birthdays I ever had. She'd always been the cool one. The one who'd traveled. Lived life. I wanted her to like me so much. I wanted her to be proud.

There were so many "black spots" in her past that I knew nothing about. Although I'd grow to forgive what I thought was totally unfounded treatment of me during my teen years, I still didn't understand it. Why the tight hold, disallowing me to go to sleepovers or hang out after football games? Why was she so frustrated? Why did I make her so angry? Why? Why? Why?

I have to say that honestly, up until about a week ago, my mother's motives were still somewhat of a mystery to me. She shared information with me that unlocked a world of understanding and with it, I've grown to appreciate her even more. Without realizing it, she'd answered all my "whys"? I'd often wonder why she left me with her sister instead of getting out of the Army and taking care of me. She inadvertently told me the answer---to avoid welfare in Marion, SC. I can't even begin to explain how different my life would have been had she chosen the welfare route.

I'd often wonder why she was so strict about me hanging out. Again, she shared the answer without knowing there was a question---to prevent the naysayers from being right about me being a teenage mother. Her being a single parent and me being a latchkey kid, I was a statistic waiting to happen. I'd often wonder why she worked jobs with crazy hours after she retired....to provide adequate support for us. The hours, horrible as they were, gave her a paycheck and kept the bills paid.

I finally understood the bus stop incident after our conversation. Thirteen years later, it made perfect sense. She was struggling with trying to prove to herself and others that she could raise me and provide for me, even if she had to do it all alone.Nearly everything she's done in her life since I was born has been done for me, her only child, her dearest love....She did it to prove everyone wrong. I WOULD do well in school. I WOULD graduate from college. She did it to prove something to herself. She COULD be a good mother. She COULD provide for the two of us. We WOULD make it.

I remember her always saying to me near the end of our many arguments, "We're a team, Tynika." I didn't get it then but I get it now. I finally understand what she was doing the entire time. The self sacrifice required to do what she did as a single mother is something I really can't comprehend.

"I saw a picture of you from the wedding," she said, "The one with the garter. You had this smile on your face. You looked the happiest I'd ever seen you look in my life. That's when I knew I'd done my job. When Just Fine came on at the reception, I just had to dance with my son (in law) because I did just fine. We did just fine."

Perspective is amazing and hindsight is 20/20.

So...to my mother:
Thank you for the sacrifices you made in your life for my sake. You did the best you could and best you knew how. It turns out that your best was all in all, pretty great. It took me some time but I get it now. I love you. I am proud to have you as my mother.