Seventy times seven (Ramble in paragraph form)

You have not loved me. You haven't sought forgiveness and it's obvious that you don't think you've even sinned against me. What's worse is you call yourself a Christian, one who seeks to glorify God in your actions. I don't want to forgive you. You do not deserve forgiveness.

I'm struggling to forgive a few people. Really struggling. I have to admit that the mere sight of them bothers me. I avoid them intentionally. I am hardly civil towards them. What on earth do you do when you don't want to forgive someone. What do you do when it seems like you can't forgive someone?

If I give myself enought time to sit quietly and ponder the question, the word of God rushes over me like a stream. I'm reminded of how Christ died for me before I sought his forgiveness for my sins against him. How he showed his love for me by enduring the wrath of God in my place while I was still his enemy. How he knew no sin but took on my sin. How I didn't deserve his forgiveness.

Yet, I still feel like Peter who asked the Lord, "how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" The Lord answers the same way, every time..."I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven." I don't like his answer. To keep it real, I hate his answer. Then I ask myself how I can who I am to withhold forgiveness when I've been forgiven so much? If the only wise God, creator and sustainer of all things, with whom I sin against daily, even sinning in my unwillingness to forgive someone, can bear with me and has already forgiven me, through Christ, in love, how can I withhold it? How can I say I love God and hate my brother?

So then, everytime I think someone doesn't deserve forgiveness, I'm reminded of how I don't deserve forgiveness either. I'm reminded of how I've failed to seek forgiveness. Everytime I think the italicized words in the beginning of this ramble about someone else, I should go look in the mirror and say them to myself. Afterall, I'm guilty of the same, aren't I? Calling myself a Christian, yet sinning against God and the brethren?

I'm sure my pride makes it difficult to obey and put his words into practice. The truth is I esteem myself too highly. I thank the Lord for bearing with me and bringing his loving kindness to my remembrance to convict me of my own sins (including unforgiveness). I'm not saying forgiving someone is easy once you remember all this. I'm saying it's necessary and reasonable based on the love Christ shows us. I pray the Lord helps me to forgive out of love and reverence for him.

Other stuff:

Colossians 3:12-14 (English Standard Version)

"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."


1 John 3:14-16 (English Standard Version)
"We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers."

Leviticus 19:17-18 (English Standard Version)

"You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.

Ephesians 4:1-3 (English Standard Version)
"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

SDG.

3/1/2010 Half and Half

1. Hubby and I have been pondering the definition of "Christian education." Is a Bible class and daily chapel sufficient or does the label of "Christian education" require subjects be taught from a Christ centered perspective or biblical lens. We're thinking it's the second one.
2. Finished 100 Years of Solitude. It began strong and finished semi strong, with a weird middle. I give it a C. Could be worth the read, but only if you have nothing else to do...on to The Help.
3. Have to begin "no fried foods" again. *crosses fingers*
4. I'm SOOOOO bored with my hair right now. I'm going to surf youtube for loc tutorial vids before I shave my hair off...
5. I won something from Lucky Magazine's Lucky Breaks! Unbelievable.
6. Warren is possibly the most patient man I've ever encountered. First sign of this patience---He married me!

My Sunday school class is covering Counterfeit Gods right now. Let me just say that I love this book and how Tim Keller challenging readers to examine in themselves in this area. The most recent topic/"counterfeit god" we discussed was "success." I won't get too indepth, but the elder who is teaching the class gave us a couple viewpoints/attitudes to think about when examining if we have made "success" our god. This one (and the last one, "ambition") really hit home for me.

There have been times that I had to catch myself for allowing work to give me a sense of security that only Christ should give me. I remember explaining to someone about a year ago that I was making an effort to not allow missing goal to effect my attitude. I've found myself being on cloud nine when we're doing well, and on the other hand dealing with extreme frustration (and even with deep anxiety during my first year) when things weren't so great. In short, I struggle with this...pray for my strength and security in the Lord.

On a somewhat related note. During discussion on the topic of "success," a woman said her husband told her something like this:

People who are great don't seek out greatness. They have it thrust upon them. The truth is, many of us are ordinary. We're going to have ordinary lives. We're not going to be "great." Don't worry about great. Forget great. Just be faithful.

The "forget great..." thing is so different from what most of us are taught about life. It's so contrary to societal standards that I was torn between cheering and frowning when I heard it. Gotta say, I think it's the wisest thing anyone can learn. Be content with the lot the Lord has provided, whatever that lot might be. Forget great....Be faithful. Faithfulness may or may not lead to greatness or "success" by the world's definition, but one thing it will do is cause us to cling to Christ for our identity and strength...

"One life to live/ it will soon be past/only what's done for Christ will last..."

The Part Time Housewife

A friend shared this blog post with me. I must say that I agree with the woman's thoughts on working outside the home. A few years ago, when asked to discuss my five year plan, I responded "In five year, I hope to be a wife and mother."

A few years ago, when asked to discuss my five year plan, I responded "In five year, I hope to be a wife and mother." I remember actually getting into arguments with people who felt staying at home was a waste of time and the mark of a lazy woman. I don’t know when it became LAZY for a woman to keep the home and watch her own children rather than hiring someone else to do it, but that is a completely different story for a completely different blog post.

I did and DO enjoy my job, but the plan was to get a job, go back to graduate school, work a little more to give me something to do until my Prince Charming came along. Thankfully, my Prince Charming came along and I praise God for him, however, as I face the possibility of actually having to “put my money where my mouth is” I’m realizing that being SAHM may not be an immediate option for us.

In a different blog post on the same topic she says:

In the land of idealistic egalitarianism, both spouses work the same number of hours and spend the same amount of time on childcare and household chores. But in real life, it rarely works.

I almost have to agree with this. I'm not a mother yet, but juggling my household responsibilities with my work responsibilities is a bit tiring. My hours make much of what I'm able to do, possible. Working a regular 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. would drive me crazy, as I would still need to manage things at home. My typical mornings during the week involve washing and folding clothes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning our bedroom and bathroom, taking care of the dogs, vacuuming, cleaning windows, running errands, paying bills, budgeting and everything in between. I stop around 11:30 a.m. to make lunch (and sometimes dinner for Warren) and to get myself ready for work. I don't mind doing all these things because I like Warren to come home to a clean and orderly house. I'm a part time housewife and it's hard. I have to admit though that the possibility of throwing a baby into this rotation is frightening. I really don't know how people do it.

I'm all over the place, I want to go back to school, but I ultimately want to stay home. I want us to be able to afford a home and children without struggling, but then I know Warren isn't about to be some false preacher doing the money cometh dance, duping people out of their money in the name of "Gawd," so realistically we're not going to be loaded. I guess I somehow believe that if I go back to school everything will be "okay" but honestly from an emotional and spiritual sense, it could be worse in the long run. The idol of control rears his ugly head again....GRRRR.

A friend and new mother had this as her Facebook status message last week

Trying to be a career woman, mother , and wife feels difficult. I miss my baby, but I definitely need the moola.

I don't want to be her. I don't want to experience this. More motherhood vs. career tension for ya on a Monday night.