Seventy times seven (Ramble in paragraph form)

You have not loved me. You haven't sought forgiveness and it's obvious that you don't think you've even sinned against me. What's worse is you call yourself a Christian, one who seeks to glorify God in your actions. I don't want to forgive you. You do not deserve forgiveness.

I'm struggling to forgive a few people. Really struggling. I have to admit that the mere sight of them bothers me. I avoid them intentionally. I am hardly civil towards them. What on earth do you do when you don't want to forgive someone. What do you do when it seems like you can't forgive someone?

If I give myself enought time to sit quietly and ponder the question, the word of God rushes over me like a stream. I'm reminded of how Christ died for me before I sought his forgiveness for my sins against him. How he showed his love for me by enduring the wrath of God in my place while I was still his enemy. How he knew no sin but took on my sin. How I didn't deserve his forgiveness.

Yet, I still feel like Peter who asked the Lord, "how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" The Lord answers the same way, every time..."I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven." I don't like his answer. To keep it real, I hate his answer. Then I ask myself how I can who I am to withhold forgiveness when I've been forgiven so much? If the only wise God, creator and sustainer of all things, with whom I sin against daily, even sinning in my unwillingness to forgive someone, can bear with me and has already forgiven me, through Christ, in love, how can I withhold it? How can I say I love God and hate my brother?

So then, everytime I think someone doesn't deserve forgiveness, I'm reminded of how I don't deserve forgiveness either. I'm reminded of how I've failed to seek forgiveness. Everytime I think the italicized words in the beginning of this ramble about someone else, I should go look in the mirror and say them to myself. Afterall, I'm guilty of the same, aren't I? Calling myself a Christian, yet sinning against God and the brethren?

I'm sure my pride makes it difficult to obey and put his words into practice. The truth is I esteem myself too highly. I thank the Lord for bearing with me and bringing his loving kindness to my remembrance to convict me of my own sins (including unforgiveness). I'm not saying forgiving someone is easy once you remember all this. I'm saying it's necessary and reasonable based on the love Christ shows us. I pray the Lord helps me to forgive out of love and reverence for him.

Other stuff:

Colossians 3:12-14 (English Standard Version)

"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."


1 John 3:14-16 (English Standard Version)
"We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers."

Leviticus 19:17-18 (English Standard Version)

"You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.

Ephesians 4:1-3 (English Standard Version)
"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

SDG.

They aren't the same thing...

I'm getting "the itch." It has happened with every blog I've ever started. My posts become rushed...incoherent.. I didn't think it would happen with this one so quickly although I'm sure my lack of internet connection (and computer) at home are the culprits. I've thought of several topics I'd like to discuss, but they come to me at the most random times--at church, after the pastor makes a point in the sermon, at night, when I'm staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep...again, on the way to work in my car when I see someone walking along the sidewalk.

Ehhh...something that's been weighing on me quite heavily is justification vs. sanctification. I've been burdened by my past responses to brothers and sisters in the faith that I deemed "lost" due to behaviors I observed that didn't fit my "Christian behavior list." Funny coming from an ocassional drinker, who wears pants, sits in corporate worship without a head covering, who is in constant crisis regarding the ministry of motherhood---all behaviors and/or viewpoints that would cause some in certain Christian circles to question my faith in Christ.

I can remember an encounter I had with a young woman this past fall. For some reason, I was unable to sleep a few days ago and my interaction with this woman came to my mind. Our discussion ended with her yelling "f&@# you" at least three times before storming away. At the time, I was sure that the gospel of Jesus Christ had offended her and that I'd done nothing wrong. As I stared at my wall, replaying the conversation in my mind, I became increasingly convinced it was not the gospel that had offended, but rather my approach. She professed Christ, but did confess to several behaviors that she acknowledged as sinful, but was willing to continue in them, due to Christ's death.

There was a point in our conversation that has echoed has (truthfully) come to my mind several times since that night. Trying to lead her into another area of scripture, I asked her, "How do you know you're a Christian, if you're still doing (x,y,z)?" She quickly shot back, "How do YOU know you're a Christian?!" I was admittedly taken aback, and honestly to this day, am not comfortable with my answer, which was wrought with my works, (out of love and obedience to Christ), but my works nonetheless. I had described my sanctification, not my justification. Now while it can be argued that one will be sanctified if one is justified (and I totally agree, faith without works is dead), I'm JUSTIFIED (i.e. a Christian), by faith in Christ alone.

So...there is a point here. Rather than questioning the young lady's justification, it would have more gracious to pray with her (which I am sure she would have been receptive to), show her the scriptures (which she seemed to have some respect for), and treat her lovingly like a sister in Christ. She revealed, immediately before cursing me out, that she'd been sexually assaulted about 2 months prior. I'm sure that the assualt impacted her emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically. I was too busy "contending for the faith." Had I slowed down, I might have won back a sister through reminding her about the love of Christ for his sheep. Instead, my combative approach (Thanks WretchedRadio) offended her. I deeply regret how our conversation ended, but our meeting was by chance (not really, but yeah) and I wouldn't even recognize her today if she walked right up to me.

This is not a call to end or avoid evangelism due to the fear of offending someone. I'm saying, share the gospel and contend for the faith often, but do it biblically. I'm also saying, whenever you start measuring someone who professes Christ by the amount of sin in their life, look at the amount of sin your own life and repent, THEN pray for that brother or sister and go to him or her with loving rebuke. Let Christ pull the weeds, lest you root up the wheat along with them.

Painful lesson, but one learned.