Seventy times seven (Ramble in paragraph form)

You have not loved me. You haven't sought forgiveness and it's obvious that you don't think you've even sinned against me. What's worse is you call yourself a Christian, one who seeks to glorify God in your actions. I don't want to forgive you. You do not deserve forgiveness.

I'm struggling to forgive a few people. Really struggling. I have to admit that the mere sight of them bothers me. I avoid them intentionally. I am hardly civil towards them. What on earth do you do when you don't want to forgive someone. What do you do when it seems like you can't forgive someone?

If I give myself enought time to sit quietly and ponder the question, the word of God rushes over me like a stream. I'm reminded of how Christ died for me before I sought his forgiveness for my sins against him. How he showed his love for me by enduring the wrath of God in my place while I was still his enemy. How he knew no sin but took on my sin. How I didn't deserve his forgiveness.

Yet, I still feel like Peter who asked the Lord, "how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" The Lord answers the same way, every time..."I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven." I don't like his answer. To keep it real, I hate his answer. Then I ask myself how I can who I am to withhold forgiveness when I've been forgiven so much? If the only wise God, creator and sustainer of all things, with whom I sin against daily, even sinning in my unwillingness to forgive someone, can bear with me and has already forgiven me, through Christ, in love, how can I withhold it? How can I say I love God and hate my brother?

So then, everytime I think someone doesn't deserve forgiveness, I'm reminded of how I don't deserve forgiveness either. I'm reminded of how I've failed to seek forgiveness. Everytime I think the italicized words in the beginning of this ramble about someone else, I should go look in the mirror and say them to myself. Afterall, I'm guilty of the same, aren't I? Calling myself a Christian, yet sinning against God and the brethren?

I'm sure my pride makes it difficult to obey and put his words into practice. The truth is I esteem myself too highly. I thank the Lord for bearing with me and bringing his loving kindness to my remembrance to convict me of my own sins (including unforgiveness). I'm not saying forgiving someone is easy once you remember all this. I'm saying it's necessary and reasonable based on the love Christ shows us. I pray the Lord helps me to forgive out of love and reverence for him.

Other stuff:

Colossians 3:12-14 (English Standard Version)

"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."


1 John 3:14-16 (English Standard Version)
"We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers."

Leviticus 19:17-18 (English Standard Version)

"You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.

Ephesians 4:1-3 (English Standard Version)
"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

SDG.

Knock, Knock!!

The air mattress was uncomfortable but I wasn't about to get up.

Judah's bark startled me out of my lull. I frowned, eyes still closed. Butter's joined in about a split second later. They ran together into the hall to the front door. I shot up, glasses crooked, hair more dishelved than usual. *Knock Knock*

I sighed and struggled to gain balance to lift myself from the ground. I shooed the dogs and put my eye to the peep hole. Jehovah's Witnesses.

I wasn't dressed appropriately and my one armed glasses were barely staying on my face. I ran to my room, threw on some pants and grabbed another shirt to put on. Once outside, I poked my head out to let them know I was home. I remembered my last JW encounter. I didn't go into much detail about it but I really regretted not invited the green witness to come back to talk to me. I felt compelled to make the invitation this time.

A fresh faced, brown girl with neatly curled, relaxed hair beamed.

"I'm sorry, we heard the dogs and we did see the car but we didn't know if anyone was home."

"Oh, it's no problem."

"We're Bible students and we're hear to share God's word with you if you have a few moments."

Just as she completed the last part of her statement, an older woman walked up next to her. It was the JW who got upset with me last time.

"Sure," I said to Fresh Faced.

Directing my attention to the older woman, I said, "Do you remember me? You've been here before?"

Old JW tilted her graying head, held the screen door open and with a chuckle, replied, "I'm sure I have."

I smiled back politely.

"Yes...you got upset with me and left. You were with someone else, but it was definitely you."

"Upset?? I don't remember that but I'm sorry. I don't know why that would have happened."

"Well I already go to a church up the road...the one across from Mill Creek Elementary School. I wanted to know why I should stop believing what I believe and start believing what you believe."

"Well, it's not what I believe. It's God's Word. We don't force anything on anyone."

She pulled out two Awake magazines and showed them to me.

"Have you ever read any of our literature?"

"Yes ma'am. I have."

"Well, we wanted to talk to you about God's kingdom this morning. Have you evere heard of God's kingdom?"

"Yes ma'am. A man talked to me about it a while back."

"What did he tell you?"

"I don't remember exactly."

She pulled her New World Translation from under her arm and flipped to a passage in Daniel. She read the passage.

"See this is talking about God's kingdom. His government. You've heard of man's government? Well God has a government too. Man's government will fade away. God's government won't. Do you believe that?"

"Oh yes, I definitely believe that. The whole world will pass away. Just like 1 John 2:15 says, '...all that is in the world is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the foolish pride of life, and the world is passing away, and the lust of it....'

"God's word doesn't say that," she said as she flipped to another verse.

I glanced at Fresh Faced quickly. She was flipping to 1 John!!

I turned my attention back to Old JW.

"Yes ma'am. 1 John does say that. The world is passing away."

She ignored me and began reading another verse pertaining to the earth.

"See, this says that the earth will not pass away. The earth has always been here. Even when the flood came the earth remained."

"Yes ma'am but 1 John does say that."

I look at Fresh Faced who's made it to 1 John.

"I see you have your Bible opened to 1 John 2:15. Doesn't it say "the world is passing away?"

She nodded affrimatively.

"'But he who does the will of God abides forever,' right?"

She nodded again.

Old JW jumped in. "What do you mean by 'world?'

"I mean the world system that would try to tempt and conform you to its ways. You know like in Romans 12:1-2 when we are warned not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds...."

I looked at Fresh Faced. Her smile had faded into concern but she said, "Uh huh...yes..." letting me know that she was familiar with the Romans passage.

Old JW was ready to end the visit. "Can we come back and talk to you again?"

"Sure. When can you come? Can you come back in the mornings?"

"We can come back whenever you want."

"Sure! You should know though that there are some things I'm just never going to agree with you on."

"Like what things?"

"Well...first...Jesus is God."

"Yes, yes...Jesus is a god."

"No ma'am. Jesus is God. And God is triune. Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

"No, no...we don't believe that. Well...you seem like you already know everything about the Bible. We like to talk to people who want to learn."

Here we go again. She said the same thing to me the time before.

"That's exactly what you said to me last time. Only it was more rude. I know you've apologized, but this is what happened. You didn't want to talk to me after I tried to show you something in the Bible..."

I looked at Fresh Faced and began to speak. "She is not going to come back here but you are welcome here. You're new. I can tell..."

Fresh Faced interrupted. "No...I'm baptized!"

"You may be baptized but you're still newer than her. She was here last time. You can come back anytime and I'll show you from the Bible what I'm talking about. I'll tell you about the gospel of Jesus Christ."

I restated my address and gave her other information about my work hours.

Old JW, let the screen door close. I continued as the pump caught the door.

"You can come back here. I'm here in the mornings. We can talk about the gospel of Jesus Christ. This...what you're involved in is works righteousness..."

Fresh Faced held her gaze...her eyes had become glassy and heavy with doubt.

"I'm being serious. Come back. Read 1 Corinthians 15 and Galatians 1."

She nodded yes and walked away to her car with Old JW.

And it was finished.

I pray she actually DOES come back. If not, maybe a seed was planted. I hate to see anyone going through a crisis of faith but in this case it's necessary. She probably won't come back but she might remember those verses. Gotta get ready for work.

Eh...

Searching

I'm on a search for the perfect foundation. I've only used Revlon, L'oreal, MAC and MUFE foundations for any period of time. MAC Liquid Studio Fix Foundation has been my staple for 3 years now.It's hard for an oily girl like me to find anything that covers, stays matte and doesn't oxidize after about 3 hours of wear. I've gotten used to carrying blot sheets and blot powder to keep things under control.

I know liquid foundation is my enemy. I was at MUA reading all the horrible reviews for MAC SFF and nearly lost it. *sigh*....All pretty much the same. Even great reviews included a mention about great coverage and horrible breakouts. I know I need to use a mineral foundation instead of liquid or cream to powders. I'll find something one day. Until then, still searching...

In the meantime, I purchased some Mary Kay skin care products #dontjudgeme. First thoughts: Formula 3 is kinda harsh on my sensitive skin. The cleanser irritates a bit. Also, it doesn't really "cleanse." It claims it removes make up...NOT. Even when I wash the make up off before using the cleanser....How do I know this? My toner saturated cotton balls turn from white to brown, after several swipes, AFTER washing my face. Speaking of toner, I told the consultant about my sensitive skin and she gave me toner with alcohol in it. The mask over dries my skin and makes it itchy. I think I even saw what looked like swelling and hives earlier today (yikes!!). All in all....fail. I will continue to use the toner and mask once a week. I'll use the cleanser 2-3 times per week. I mean..I spent enough on it...

I have no idea why I'm blogging about this at nearly 1 a.m. I should go to bed...

Oh Leh do It!

1. Watched two episodes of The Office (Season 6) on nbc.com last night. Still funny.
2. Day 16 of P90X...go figure.
3. Remembering being 17 and not being able to imagine what I'd be doing in my late 20s. Now I'm in my late 20s and can't imagine what I'll be doing 5 years from now. I need a window into the future.
4. Mama said there'd be days like this.
5. Do not give your children rhyming names.
6. Speaking of names, stop with the accent marks, hyphens and crazy spellings ("Quevine" instead of "Kevin") or just ignore me...name your kids whatever you want. 
7. My kids always make me feel better...they're cool like dat.
8. Sermon Audio is a cool place.
9. Why on earth does anyone deal with this in a so-called worship service...I mean, for real. I couldn't even get through one minute...heard of this guy on Fighting for the Faith and Wretched...Blasphemous.
10. This Ergun Caner thing is beyond crazy.
11. I love my husband.

J.Nicole's Rules for weddings.

Glo: I'd look silly as heck with some shiny weave on my head....just silly. Being nappy is my "look."

J. Nicole: Let's make one thing clear-my wedding is not the day for you to express your individuality. There are rules. Rule #1: You will have 10% body fat.

Glo: *cautious pause* Okay. I can do that. What's next?

J. Nicole: Rule #2: Teeth will be as white as a piece of notebook paper. Cosmetic dentist references available upon request. Please request.

Glo: *cautious pause* Ummm...okay. I can do that. What's next?

J. Nicole: Rule #3: You must pass the Brown Paper Bag Test. If you need assistance in this area, i can provide links to purchase extra strength hydroquinone.

Glo: *silence*

J. Nicole: Rule #4: Manicures and pedicures shall be approved by me. No acrylics, no nails past the nail bed. No french-this isn't Magic City. Clear or pink coat only.

Glo: But my nails grow in "french" naturally. What should I do?

J. Nicole: *continuing list* Rule #5: All dresses must be approved by me. It must be black and floor length. Choose from the following designers: Valentino, Christian Dior, Chanel, Gucci. If financial assistance is needed to purchase the dress, I will provide coupons.

Glo: *shaky voice* Okay...but...ummm..coupons. I don't think they have those....

J. Nicole: *continuing list* Rule #6: No children are allowed on the premises. This includes all bridal showers, rehearsal dinners, wedding ceremnoy and reception.

Glo: *narrows eyes* Ummm....well. We don't have any children yet....but I mean....we might by then...

J. Nicole: *clears throat, ignores Glo, continues to speak* If you do bring your child(ren), they must remain in your vehicle or outside for the duration of the event. No exceptions. Babies can stay on the porch...

Glo: *growing impatient* What if I don't agree??? That last rule is very rigid....and...*cautious pause*....cruel.

J. Nicole: *flips hair, takes a deep breath* I'm open for suggestions.

Glo: *cautiously* Ummm...well they are small human beings in need of adult supervision. Perhaps a nursery would be better??? And what about my nails?? They grow in white.

J. Nicole: Hmmm...perhaps I could do an on site nursery with three nannies! *smiles big* I like that! So glad I thought of it. And you can just use a nude polish to tone down your natural white tip.

Glo: *indignant* And what if I refuse? Some of these rules are a bit much.

J. Nicole: *blank stare, brief thoughtful pause* Oh.

Disclaimers:
Glo was not harmed in this conversation. J. Nicole is not getting married anytime soon. Glo and J. Nicole have issues. J. Nicole is about 87% serious. This was a text convo, so actions have been added for effect.

On the way back from lunch today...

I was driving downtown on the way back from lunch this afternoon when I spotted this kid. He was walking  on the sidewalk about 300 feet ahead of me. Long white t-shirt with khakis. About 15 or 16 years old. Beautiful, deep brown skin, hair shaved close to his scalp.

I immediately knew where he was going. I wanted to be wrong, but knew I was right when he turned around. Our eyes met. He looked down, trying to shake my gaze. I was still looking at him when he looked back up. His hands were in fists. His jaw was clenched. He seemed so "angry." Ready to lash out at anyone. I wanted to pull my car over and give this kid a hug. I could almost picture myself embracing him and him bursting into warm, uncontrollable tears.

At the light I looked over and saw his destination. The local parole office with an "Out to lunch" sign.  What's happened in his short life that would lead him to a parole office on a beautiful May afternoon. It's school hours. Shouldn't he be there? Why wasn't he sitting in some math class learning about tangents and cosines? Why wasn't in the halls of SHS goofing off with his homeboys at his locker? Where was his smile? How long had it been since had something to smile about?

My imagination tends to run away with me. I don't know why he was visiting. I have no idea. Maybe he wasn't going to check in. Maybe he was going there on other business. What business could a kid have at a parole office, though?

Anyway...just thoughts.

Thangs on my mind.

1. I need to do my hair.
2. Speaking of hair, look at hers.
3. On the hunt for new blogs and Youtube subs. *yawn*
4. Might hit up the Atlanta Food Rave. Shout out to Tony doing his thing in the A.
5. Spoke to JP about the open mic thing. Wheels are turning.
6. Can't believe I've made it to day 12 (or is it 13) of P90X. Bring it! I'm on a stretch or rest day...I'll post pictures at day 30 if....they are worth posting.
7. Bobby's home in about a month. My Mani Bear turns 6 in June. My little Dre turns....ummm 2, LOL in July and the 2 year anniversary will be here before I know it.
8. I want a tattoo. On my wrist. #dontjudgeme
9. Trip Lee's new song. Ummm....well...very poppy. Not feeling the autotune/vocoder on Jai's voice. Hope the whole album doesn't go in the same direction as the last TRUTH album (poppy/futuristic/epic sounding). I instantly heard the sample, thought of another song that sampled the tune and did a little research. It's the first part of Pachelbel's Canon in D, transposed to a different key...I tend to hate obvious samples. All that said, Trip is a good rapper. I know the lyrics will get the job done in the end.
10. Saw Iron Man 2 and Date Night. Both were pretty good for what they are. Iron Man 2=A-, Date Night=B-.
11. I wonder if I should pretend to be 16, enroll in a high school in the midwest and get a scholarship to Stanford, Columbia or Yale or something. I'm sure I'd make straight As, knowing what I know now.
12. I ate a single scoop waffle cone from Brusters the other day and hated myself for it. For the record, that wasn't a doggon single...more like a triple. I'm sure they gave me too much. And on top of that, I was a 1lb heavier the next day. #fail
13. Proud of one of my graduating seniors. She applied for a full time position with the American Cancer Society making pretty decent money. Of the four applicants interviewed, she was the only one with actual experience. The other folks had business degrees but zero sales, management or fund-raising experience. She's a criminal justice major. Read 'em and weep!
14. Another one of my kids left a frantic message on my voicemail talking about needing advice. I call him back and it's about a job decision. AWWWWW. So glad he'd even ask me my thoughts on the situation. I'm pretty sure my kids are what keep me going. The best thing about my job is them.
15. Snagged this from E. Money's FB status replies. Get demotivated! Look at the "Blogging" tagline. SO funny...and for me...SOOOOO true.
16. *exits*