Uncertainty Bites, 1

I've struggled with motherhood vs. career for years. I've been wanting to go back for my MBA for about 3 years now and have put it off for a variety of reasons. I'd like to emphasize in IS. A more indepth discussion of this problem can be read about here.

I finally decided to have a real conversation with my supervisor about taking a class in Spring. He seemed a bit reluctant, but was still quite supportive (if you can imagine that). I filled out the necessary paperwork for TAP, met with an advisor and registered for the class on December 16. I was both excited and anxious about the prospect of stepping back into the classroom after 5 years, but consoled my fear by thinking about all the benefits of having an MBA in this market and in Charlotte, a place we hope to live in the next few years.

Then it happened. I texted my pastor's wife inviting her to lunch.

One thing I can say about her is that she truly has a servant's heart. I can't speak highly enugh about this woman and the encouragement she's been in my life.As I expected, she wanted to talk about me and everything that's been going on with Warren and I. The subject of going back to school came up.

P: So, what's going on with you. Do you need me for anything?

Glo: Well, I've finally decided to go back to school.

P: Okay. Well what are you going back to school for?

Glo: Well, I'm taking an information systems class to make a decision about an MBA emphasis...

P: Okay. And what do you plan to do with that?

Glo: *apprehensive and probably way too involved explanation about what what I plan to do with the MBA

P: Okay...and how do you plan to balance that with being a mother?

Glo: *CRICKETS*

And the saga continues. In about 3-4 minutes my excitement and anxiety turned to just anxiety and I felt trapped...again...by motherhood. I hate having this feeling. I really do. Earning a post graduate degree has always been a goal of mine. I'd really like to do it. I've always had an entrepreneurial spirit and have come up with 101 ways to make a dollar BUT, I don't want to deal with the uncertainty of working for myself. I mention this because she began to talk about ways that other mothers in the church supplement the income of their husbands. Everyone she mentioned has some type of creative spark.

P: Why don't you take a photography class instead of the other one.

Glo: I could but I'm not creative. You can't teach creativity.

P: ____ could teach you.

Glo: I don't know.

P: Well what's your degree in?

Glo: Production. I thought about doing wedding videography and even did a little freelance production, but that didn't pay my bills.

P: Wedding videography is a good field.

Glo: It's so expensive to get started. The camera I'll need is over $3,000 and I'm out of practice. My portfolio ends in 2005.

P: You could pair up with ____. Look at _____. They are doing well and ______'s business is really taking off...

And so here I am...again. Pondering what it would be like to work for myself, take the risk, eventually quit my job and solely depend on my ability to hustle and market my skills...

I think part of my problem is that I really don't trust God as I should. He's Jehovah Jirah, right? I worry about the next step and how we'll pay for Warren to go to seminary, the regret of not taking advantage of my opporunity to earn an MBA for free, never being able to afford our own home or to live comfortably and debt free.

I also worry about not being there for my children and husband. Not having and eternal focus. Becoming driven by money and position. Struggle, struggle, struggle...

I am starting to get some ducks in a row and I still plan on taking the class and GMAT prep course...That's what it is right now.

*sigh*

101 Things in 1,001 Days?

I got this idea from someone I've web stalked for years (yes...years). She explains the idea behind the 1,001 days here. I'm probably going to keep track of my successes and failures here. No need to start yet another blog. I barely keep up with those I already have.

What is it?: A list of things that I'm going to set out to complete in the next 1,001 days.

Why are you doing this?: To shake things up a bit and to get more into goal setting in my personal life (not just work life).
When do you start:? January 1 is the official date but life won't end if I complete one or two more things before then.

I have some of my list completed.

In no particular order:

1. Drink water only for 40 days straight
2. Start a business side hustle that makes at least $200/month
3. Change my hair
4. Lose 15 pounds or 15% of my current body fat (long story)
5. Take a guitar or piano lesson
6. Share some of my poetry ramblings at an open mic
7. Go on a short term missions trip
8. Go on a cruise
9. Visit my grandmother alone for the weekend
10. Learn to swim
11. Take a dance class with Warren
12. Slowly but surely become a pescetarian
13. Serve during Christmas or Thanksgiving at a soup kitchen
14. Babysit Imani for a summer
15. Send a handwritten letter to my mother, my aunt, my grandmother and my great grandmother expressing my love and appreciation for them
16. Learn, once and for all, how to crochet
17. Read the entire Bible in chronological order twice
18. In Summer 2010 or 2011, wear a dress for 7 days straight
19. Abstain from fried food for 40 days
20. Actively seek out a teenaged girl to disciple
21. Actively seek out someone to disciple me (may have already found this one)
22. Spend one month away from Facebook and all favorite blogs
23. Advertise my loc maintenance services
24. Exclude fried food from diet for 30 days
25. Go on a cruise
26. Cut up all credit cards
27. Stop picking my fingers
28. Write a play
29. Attend a play
30. Attend the Savannah Jazz Festival
31. Have a picnic on Sweetheart Circle
32. Go to an NBA game with Warren
33. Take a photography class
34. Reconnect with an old friend
35. Support a missionary
36. Run/Walk in a 5K
37. See Mint Condition in concert
38. Go ice skating
39. Travel overseas

I'll continue to update this list as I add new things.

Weight loss and randomness.

I’ve vowed, once again, to lose weight. I hope to lose 20 lbs and/or 5 inches in the waist by the end of March. I’m currently pushing a size 10. I want to get back into my MANY pairs of size 6 slacks and jeans. No one EVER could have told me that I'd weigh 160. People TRIED to tell me, CURSE me rather. I remember some of my female relatives looking at my size 4 frame when I was about 20 or 21 with smirks on their faces. "You'll gain weight, JUST LIKE US...I was your size back in the day." CURSES! I started gaining weight about a year or so after I took this job. I distinctly remember my first trip to Express to buy a few pairs of Editors in size 8 when my regular sizes started fitting to snug. Grrr...I will beat this thing...lol...for real.

In the mean time, weight is melting off of Warren, who in the last 2 or 3 months has gone from 250 to the mid 230s, with minimal effort. A few pick up games here and there and buddy has basically lost the weight on accident. He's joined a men's league so I'm sure his wasboard abs will be back by summer. I, on the other hand have to fight for every pound. Yeesh.

Anyway, I’ve been pretty much drinking water and eating fish, rice and veggies since the Sunday after Thanksgiving. So then, my “starting” weight was 163. I’m down to 160 and hope to be down about 5 more pounds by the end of January. I joined a gym to use the cardio machines and to take a BodyFlow class. I hope to update my progress on here but that never really goes well.

Rant over...list time.

1. I can add my class in 2 days.
2. Only spent about $37.00 on grocery in the past two weeks. Would have been okay had we not purchased fast food 3 or 4 times between Friday and Sunday. Phooey. Keep us on track Dave Ramsey.
3. I’ve been told I have hypoxia (eye) do to over wearing my contacts. Guess I have to break down and buy some more glasses.
4. Saw Brothers. Worth the look. 
5. Going to Colorado in a week. Happy to visit but I hate cold weather.
6. Wondering what's up with this blog for more reasons than one.
7. About to run to the library to load up on books and inspiration for Spring training. *jiggy*
8. Reading The Great Gatsby. So far so good. I enjoyed the CONCEPT in school, but I'm sure I'll enjoy it much more as an adult. Checked out a book of Fitzgerald short stories a few months back. WONDERFUL.
9. Tried to make it through Waiting for Godot and became utterly bored. Won't finish it. I won't say it's overrated. I will say it's "not my cup of tea."
10. I want to re-read Their Eyes Were Watching God in January or February. We'll see.
11. Success Rice is the bomb.
12. Speaking of rice, I had eggs and rice for breakfast and then eggs, rice and Treet for lunch. Talk about WOW.
13. Pastor only preached on ONE verse this past Sunday, but boy oh boy did he preach. "If anyone has no love for the Lord, let him be accursed. Our Lord, come!" 1 Corinthians 16:22. Read 1 Corinthians 15 and all four gospels for context.