Thursday, May 13, 2010

J.Nicole's Rules for weddings.

Glo: I'd look silly as heck with some shiny weave on my head....just silly. Being nappy is my "look."

J. Nicole: Let's make one thing clear-my wedding is not the day for you to express your individuality. There are rules. Rule #1: You will have 10% body fat.

Glo: *cautious pause* Okay. I can do that. What's next?

J. Nicole: Rule #2: Teeth will be as white as a piece of notebook paper. Cosmetic dentist references available upon request. Please request.

Glo: *cautious pause* Ummm...okay. I can do that. What's next?

J. Nicole: Rule #3: You must pass the Brown Paper Bag Test. If you need assistance in this area, i can provide links to purchase extra strength hydroquinone.

Glo: *silence*

J. Nicole: Rule #4: Manicures and pedicures shall be approved by me. No acrylics, no nails past the nail bed. No french-this isn't Magic City. Clear or pink coat only.

Glo: But my nails grow in "french" naturally. What should I do?

J. Nicole: *continuing list* Rule #5: All dresses must be approved by me. It must be black and floor length. Choose from the following designers: Valentino, Christian Dior, Chanel, Gucci. If financial assistance is needed to purchase the dress, I will provide coupons.

Glo: *shaky voice* I don't think they have those....

J. Nicole: *continuing list* Rule #6: No children are allowed on the premises. This includes all bridal showers, rehearsal dinners, wedding ceremnoy and reception.

Glo: *narrows eyes* Ummm....well. We don't have any children yet....but I mean....we might by then...

J. Nicole: *clears throat, ignores Glo, continues to speak* If you do bring your child(ren), they must remain in your vehicle or outside for the duration of the event. No exceptions. Babies can stay on the porch...

Glo: *growing impatient* What if I don't agree??? That last rule is very rigid....and...*cautious pause*....cruel.

J. Nicole: *flips hair, takes a deep breath* I'm open for suggestions.

Glo: *cautiously* Ummm...well they are small human beings in need of adult supervision. Perhaps a nursery would be better??? And what about my nails?? They grow in white.

J. Nicole: Hmmm...perhaps I could do an on site nursery with three nannies! *smiles big* I like that! So glad I thought of it. And you can just use a nude polish to tone down your natural white tip.

Glo: *indignant* And what if I refuse? Some of these rules are a bit much.

J. Nicole: *blank stare, brief thoughtful pause* Oh.

Glo was not harmed in this conversation. J. Nicole is not getting married anytime soon. Glo and J. Nicole have issues. J. Nicole is about 87% serious. This was a text convo, so actions have been added for effect.


  1. Ms. J. Nicole is too much...Totally why I *heart* her.