Then...I grew up...sorta. Not of my own accord but rather that of God the Holy Spirit. Now this didn't happen immediately, however, I began to feel bad about saying mean things to people *gasp*. It didn't make me feel strong or protected. It made me feel horrible and ungrateful. Quite strange, especially for me.
Now, I said "sorta" because, every now and then, I erupt. Someone comes along, puts a lit match to my wick and I feel physically begin to warm up. Seriously. My face gets hot. My chest gets hot. My palms grow sweaty. Weird. So, this happened today.
"Jane* with _________ speaking."
"Hey Jane, this is Glo, calling from _______."
"Yeah, I was just calling because I would like one of my station numbers changed."
Jane takes a crazy tangent off relevant road and begins discussing a similar yet completely unrelated phone issue.
*I put on my patience cap* "Oh yes. I remember that but this is an entirely different situation altogether. I just want the number changed."
*Jane changes her tone and begins to speak slower like she's talking to an ESL person* "Why don't youuuuuuu fig-ure outttttttt what you need, Glo, and put it innnn a de-tailed e-mailllll. Copy John**and I'll see what I can do to move this forward."
*My blood simmers, blood rushes to my face, my eyes narrow and a smirk forms across my lips* "Right. Okay, well I can send the e-mail but I only need the number changed. John has already okayed this.
"Well I did this in the fall at John's request."
"So you need me to send you an e-mail for this??"
"Look Glo, you don't need to get defensive."
'Wow, Jane, woooooow. I don't know how we got here" *My blood comes to a roaring boil as I speak and a mini snap ensues*
Granted, this could have been much worse than it turned out. I ended by telling her in my most rudely, polite voice that I'd "honor her request" and telling her to "have a great day."
I immediately typed the stupid e-mail, copied John and left for lunch. Here's the kicker though. I was so pissed that I teared up. I mean, I was angry enough to yank this chick. She was every $%&*! in the book on my way home. I even called, J. Nicole. Ridiculous.
So after a drive and a Wendy's Grilled Chicken Sandwich, I'm reflecting. I feel horrible. Why on earth did I get so angry at this woman? Simple answer. Pride. The root of my major and minor blowups are rooted in my pride issue. Who was this broad to talk to me like that? But, really, who am I? Do I boast in myself now? Who am I to boast? It's nothing more than the foolish pride of life. When we begin to think more of ourselves than we are, or to think ourselves better than others pride can tempt into sinful anger.
I'm not excusing rude behavior, but her rudeness is no reason to respond the way I did. I sent the e-mail she requested with an apology and was teary because I hated apologizing to her for what I took as a personal jab against me. How crazy is this? And for a "Christian." I thank God that I don't have to earn his gift because I'd be on the way to hell for sure. I'm not saying I have a license to sin either. I'm almost thankful of situations like this because it just points out the grace of God in Christ. Just when you think you've got it under control, sin rears its ugly head...then you realize it's not always Satan tempting you to sin, but rather the flesh. My inner me is my enemy.
Thought of this.
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.-Romans 7:14-25Upon further contemplation, I remembered this while looking for something else:
Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.-James 3:4-12Be killing sin or sin will be killing you.
*totally fake name
**even faker name